I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
