the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
