doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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