my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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