you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
