I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
