well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
