I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
