Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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