i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
