Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
