There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
