hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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