also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
