Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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