I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
