soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
