Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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