I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
