If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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