Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
