WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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