dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
