I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
