just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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