Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
