I got chris browned last night
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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