areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
