Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
