So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
