"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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