tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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