While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
