Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
