WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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