She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
