the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
