I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
