i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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