Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
