dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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