How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
