My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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