He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
