I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
