omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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