The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
