she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
