did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
