Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
