My friends, they love my intelligence
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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